Is it Perfect? No. But it Was Never Supposed To Be!
Is it perfect? No.
But it was never supposed to be!
I just did not know that.
I expected happily ever after.
Although I observed my own parents living the opposite of “happily ever after”, I still expected that this was Not going to be my fate. I thought I was going to be smarter in choosing my husband.
Nothing was further from the truth!
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I met him at a party in August 1988. I wasn’t supposed to be in the City. I stayed for the friends who were supposed to come for the weekend and did not. So my roommate took me to a party (because I had no plans on a Saturday night and at 22 that was the worst that could happen). As soon as the host of the party opened the door and saw me, he said: Oh there’s someone here you have to meet!
In the last 10 years I’ve thought about that fateful weekend so many times. Wondering: Why? How? I’ve decided that it was karmic and it had to happen.
Because life’s flavor depends in great measure on how we choose to narrate it. And for many years I was narrating my life as a failure.
These painful thoughts blocked all the beauty of my life, all the memories, all the blessings.
I experienced what felt like so much loss, so much pain…
Those feelings of loss - I see that now - were just my mental constructs crumbling. But as it was happening it felt like death.
And it was. The entitled me, who demanded from people & from life feelings of love, of bliss, of pleasure, while I judged and criticized everything and was blocking these feelings within myself.
What actually died?
The many layers of protective walls around my heart.
As each defense layer was melting I was getting access to my own heart and its tremendous relentless unlimited power to feel. And the natural desire to share that love.
I learned that no one could do “enough” for me to feel loved while my heart was boarded up.
The path toward love is internal.
Is it perfect?
No. It’ll never be perfect.
Not my relationship, not yours.
We are collectively un-learning about what it means to love, freeing our narratives from the ideas of the old paradigm that no longer serve us.
More to come.